A matter of focus
I had a friend once in Seattle--a long time ago, considering that we left there in 1978--who shared an illuminating experience in testimony meeting. She was just recovered from a bout of severe laryngitis. It began simply enough, as a hoarseness and evident strain. She was not sick. It was preceded by a determination that she would not yell at her kids any more, a determination that she was failing in. She said that as she told herself she was not going to yell at her kids, they would be provoking and she would lose a portion of her patience--not her temper, not out of control entirely, but not calm and serene either. She would end up yelling. (Any of us with children can relate.) ( Maybe a few perfect people have never yelled at anybody--I'm not one of them.)
She began to lose her voice. If she raised it, it would rasp and fail. She became unable to make any sound above a whisper, even if she was speaking normally. This persisted for more than just a day or two; it's been too many years for me to remember exactly, but it was bad enough, long enough, that she had to rethink how she would get the attention of her kids.
She realized that when she told herself, 'I will not yell at my kids today,' she ended up yelling at her kids, because that was her focus--the yelling. Someone would say something, do something, that exasperated her and the 'won't' became 'did.'
When she literally couldn't yell, couldn't even speak, she had to think particularly on how to communicate and how to intervene. She realized that she was likely to act according to the pattern, the focus, that she set in her mind. When she stopped focusing on 'I will not yell' but instead made her focus a conscious decision on how she would act and react, it made a huge difference. 'I will not yell' became 'I will choose to be patient, I will show love, and respond to whatever happens constructively.' (And stuff will always happen, guaranteed.)
After she made that determination and followed it, her voice came back. Lesson accomplished, she said, and she would try to remember it for the long haul.
It's so true. Usually the answer to an unhelpful pattern is to shift our focus to what we decide we want to do that's positive. Telling ourselves we won't do 'whatever' is not very successful most of the time, because the 'whatever' is still our focus; it's the thing that stays in our minds. Accentuate the positive, went the old song, eliminate the negative--it works on our kids, and it works on ourselves.
She began to lose her voice. If she raised it, it would rasp and fail. She became unable to make any sound above a whisper, even if she was speaking normally. This persisted for more than just a day or two; it's been too many years for me to remember exactly, but it was bad enough, long enough, that she had to rethink how she would get the attention of her kids.
She realized that when she told herself, 'I will not yell at my kids today,' she ended up yelling at her kids, because that was her focus--the yelling. Someone would say something, do something, that exasperated her and the 'won't' became 'did.'
When she literally couldn't yell, couldn't even speak, she had to think particularly on how to communicate and how to intervene. She realized that she was likely to act according to the pattern, the focus, that she set in her mind. When she stopped focusing on 'I will not yell' but instead made her focus a conscious decision on how she would act and react, it made a huge difference. 'I will not yell' became 'I will choose to be patient, I will show love, and respond to whatever happens constructively.' (And stuff will always happen, guaranteed.)
After she made that determination and followed it, her voice came back. Lesson accomplished, she said, and she would try to remember it for the long haul.
It's so true. Usually the answer to an unhelpful pattern is to shift our focus to what we decide we want to do that's positive. Telling ourselves we won't do 'whatever' is not very successful most of the time, because the 'whatever' is still our focus; it's the thing that stays in our minds. Accentuate the positive, went the old song, eliminate the negative--it works on our kids, and it works on ourselves.
Focus on how to act! Be positive! You are absolutely right, and I've learned that lesson myself with my adult son. What I find fascinating is as I've changed my outlook, he has changed his in a positive direction.
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